What’s He Eating?: A Cautionary Tale For New Parents About Gross Things Kids Do
Interesting things happen when you become a parent. Your body changes, your perspective changes, and above all, your reality changes. You start to lose touch with civilization, witness things you never thought you’d ever see and become desensitized to things that would have bothered you before.
In that first year, your face will take on expressions fit for a victim in a horror film, and your gag reflex will present itself more frequently than ever before. Yes, you’ll be exposed to a whole new way of life, filled with mystery and horror.
This is parenthood. It’s a journey that begins the minute your child is conceived and your world is forever changed. YOU are forever changed.
After a Year
TV does a good enough job of letting you know what your first year with baby will be like- sleepless and messy, so let’s skip forward to what happens after a year- or when they become mobile.
A year into it, you’ll start to find yourself asking questions like, “What is this sticky stuff?”, “What did I step in?”, “How did poop get on the WALL?”, or perhaps the much dreaded, “What’s he eating?”.
There is no best way to prepare. It’s just one of those things where to understand, you need to experience it for yourself. The purpose of this post is to let you know that when this happens (because it will), you are not alone. Your kid isn’t weird. ALL kids are weird.
To My Horror
A few months ago, my 2-year-old was playing outside with his siblings. I turned my head for what couldn’t have been more than 30 seconds, and when I turned back around, he was chewing on what looked like fried hash browns.
In his defense, I’m sure it looked tasty, I mean, who doesn’t like a good, crispy, hash brown?
I ran over to him to see what he was eating and it was so distorted from its original shape, that at first, I couldn’t tell what it was. I went through the routine- digging it out of his mouth with my finger and wiping it on my pants, looking around in there for more, inspecting the item in question, and finally… smelling it.
I was looking at my 2 year old’s smiling face when I took a sniff of the “Mystery Munchie”. My face quickly changed from smile to dread.
I started dry heaving… UNCONTROLLABLY. My eyes were watering so badly that I couldn’t be sure if I was crying or if it was just my sinuses trying to expel whatever demon of a stench that was in there.
My little guy just looked up at me and smiled with remnants of it hanging off of his cheek and lip. I was on the verge of puking. My little one had been chewing on this like it was a piece of jerky!My little one had been chewing on this like it was a piece of jerky! #momproblems Click To Tweet
I brought him into the house and did a “more than thorough” cleaning of the crime scene. I considered calling the pediatrician, but as usual, our emergencies only happen on the weekends- so the pediatrician’s office was closed. He hadn’t been chewing on it long and didn’t really ingest it, so I decided a good cleaning, and constant flow of water and apple juice would clean him out. On the bright side, the “mystery munchie” was definitely “organic” in it’s own little way.
To this day, I still cannot buy Fresh Gourmet Crispy Red Peppers because they resemble the unknown mishmash my son was chewing on. In my heart, I know what it was, though I have no proof and prefer not to admit to it. But based on shape and smell, I have a good idea what it was and it’s one of those things I’d love to strike from my memory.
See, as parents, we have a duty to our children- to keep them safe, sheltered, and fed. We also need to keep their gross secrets. I’ll never tell you what he ate that day- then people would know him as the ******-eating boy. The purpose of this post is to let you know that kids have no boundaries. They’ll do the nastiest of things without ever thinking twice about it, so prepare yourself and don’t freak out. It happens.
So… What CAN You Do?
You are defenseless to these gross childhood situations. There is nothing you can do to protect yourself from all the gross things kids do. Just make sure the poisonous and dangerous items are kept locked away and hidden. Call the Poison Hotline if your little one gets into something they shouldn’t, and in worst-case situations, seek professional medical attention immediately.
It doesn’t make you a bad parent. Kids will think up creative ways to gross you out- without even trying- that you could never imagine, so don’t be hard on yourself when it does happen. Because it will.
Oh, and in case you were thinking it was poop, it wasn’t. It was worse than that.
What kind of gross things have your kids done?